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Love
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Part 1
The human-kind of Love
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érōs
ludus
philía
storgē
pragma
philautía
agápē
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A contemplation on the many Ways of Love
Why do I even want to write about love? Isn’t everything said already? In folk songs, in pop songs, in rock songs, in novels, opera, TV shows, movies …
Well, I don’t think so, actually!
I feel that there is quite a great confusion in the world about … “All you need is LOVE”.
So I hope I can contribute something here to bring a little clarity into the messiness of love’s affairs.
Honestly, Love has been the most interesting and defining subject throughout my journey thru life, both in the context of my personal-relationships as well as well as on my inner journey, spiritually and philosophically.
And Love has also generally been the most fruitful theme in trying to extract wisdom from my life’s experiences and explorations.
So here i will try to share some of my understanding and perspective on Love.
When i listen to young people talking nowadays, i hear a lot of: “Oh god, i love your … hair!”, “I love your perfume”, ” I love … this or that or the other”.
Here I obviously don’t want to talk about this very obvious confusion of the words ‘like’ and ‘love’ so common with the Facebook and Instagram generation. I rather talk about the fact, that when i look into all kinds of novels, songs and movies, there is a lot of love going on there, love scenes, seeking love, falling in love, being in love, loosing love and so on. Really a lot of it!
I have the feeling that in contemporary culture, love is mostly associated with romantic relationships, quite a lot of sexual desires mixed into it. And the ‘Falling in Love’, ‘Falling for The Someone Special’ is the main desirable thing there to have.
We could call this the Romantic kind of love. And from all i know & see, this is mostly a rather unconscious mix of all kind of different things that we give the name Love.
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In other cultures and in some spiritual philosophies there can be found a much deeper and more helpful distinction and differentiation of Love. This is not about creating boxes and categories, it is not an intellectual game for the sake of words!
In my experience it really helps to know about all these shades of colors that Love has. It helps me in the quest of ‘Man, know thy Self’, the understanding of myself and the world.
From everything that i have read about Love, the human kind of Love, i like most what some of the classical Greek philosophers had to say about this topic, mostly Plato, a really cool dude who was born in the year 423 before Christ.
Here is what i understand from his teachings about the different Shades of Love:
Eros – the passionate, sexual love.
Eros is sexual or passionate love, and is the type most similar to our modern notion of romantic love. In Greek mythology, it is a form of madness brought about when hit by one of the arrows from the god Cupid.
The arrow hits us and we “fall” in love. It just happens to us somehow and we can’t do much for it or against it. Pheromones might have a lot to do with that experience. It makes us see our love partner with pink glasses and in the very best light. Usually it is a rather temporary state that – although very enjoyable – often ends with a certain disillusionment.
Since this kind of love is fueled mostly by passion, desire, projection and the wish to ‘have the other’, a lot of pain, jealousy and unhappiness often is the result when people get stuck on this level of relationship. Just read the novels, listen to the songs on the radio, Hollywood movies are full of it.
Ludus – the playful, uncommitted kind of love.
Ludus is playful or uncommitted love or attractiveness. It can involve activities such as teasing and dancing, flirting and seducing. The focus is on fun, and sometimes also on conquest, with no strings attached.
Ludus relationships are casual, undemanding, and uncomplicated, but nevertheless can be long-lasting. Ludus works best when both parties are in agreement, are mature and self-sufficient. Problems arise when one partner in the game mistakes Ludus for Eros or simply wants more than just playing around joyfully.
Philia – the friendship kind of love.
The sign of Philia, or friendship, is mutual good will. The Greek philosopher Aristotle said that a person can have goodwill to another for one of three reasons:
– that he/she is useful,
– that he/she is pleasant,
– and above all that he/she is good, that means that he/she is rational and virtuous.
Friendships founded on goodness are associated not only with mutual benefit but also with companionship, dependability, and trust.
For Plato – interestingly! – the best kind of friendship is that which lovers have for each other. It is Philia Love born out of Eros, and in turn it feeds back into Eros to strengthen and develop it. Philia transforms erotic love from a lust for possession into a shared desire for a higher level of understanding of the other, of the self and the world.
Real friends can seek together to live truer, fuller lives by relating to each other authentically and teaching each other about the limitations of their beliefs and the defects in their character.
They can function – if they are mature enough – as each other’s therapist, counselors and true companions of the inner journey of self-discovery and maturation. Of course for that to happen it is necessary to find a friend with some degree of openness, ability to express things verbally and a uncompromising willingness to change and to be changed.
Storge – the family-al kind of love.
Storge – the familial love, is a kind of Philia love, that describes the love between parents and their children. Especially when it is directed towards younger children, it can be quite unconditional, one-sided or asymmetrical. More broadly, Storge is the fondness born out of familiarity or dependency and – unlike Eros or Philia – does not focus our personal qualities or deficiencies.
This mothering kind of love can become quite unhealthy when kids grow up and get older. Also people in the early stages of a romantic relationship often expect to be loved in such a unconditional way, but find only the need and dependency of Eros, and – if they are lucky – the maturity of Philia.
Pragma – the pragmatic kind of love.
Pragma is a kind of practical love based on reason or duty and on one’s own longer-term interests. Sexual attraction is not the most important factor here, rather important are personal qualities and compatibilities, shared goals, and a willingness to make it work.
In cultures of arranged marriages, Pragma was and is very common. In our modern societies, many relationships that start off as Eros or Ludus end up as various combinations of Storge and Pragma love, which is the case in a lot of long-term marriages. In the best of cases, the partners in the pragma relationship more or less unconsciously agree to turn a blind eye – or even a knowing eye on the shortcomings of the partner for the sake of convenience and security.
Philautia – the love of Self
Philautia is self-love, it can be healthy or unhealthy.
Unhealthy self-love leads to narcissism and hubris – excessive pride or over-confidence. Narcissism usually leads to pride and leads to destruction. Narcissistic behavior and hubris can show up as extreme self-centeredness, a inflated sense of one’s status, abilities, or accomplishments, especially when accompanied by arrogance.
A healthy self-love can be experienced as self-esteem, which is the cognitive and emotional acknowledgement of our own worth. This kind of healthy self-love is the lens through which we think, feel, and act into the world. It determines all our relation to ourselves, to others, and to the world.
Self-esteem and self-confidence do not always go hand in hand. It is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have rather low self-esteem. I have read about quite a lot of movie-stars who suffer from that contradiction. (The great Georg Clooney is honest enough to say so!)
People with a healthy self-esteem do not need to elevate themselves with external means such as income or status, or use such self-destructive behavior as alcohol, drugs, or sex as artificial boost to be somebody.
People with self esteem are able to give themselves completely to their projects and to their people of choice because they do not fear failure or rejection. They have persistence and perseverance, they are open to growth experiences and relationships, tolerant of risk, quick to joy and delight, and accepting and forgiving of themselves and others.
Wouldn’t this be a wonder-full world if we would all have a healthy self esteem, Love of Self?
Agape – the Universal, all encompassing Love.
Agape is universal love, the love for all beings, for humankind, for strangers, nature or for God. Unlike Storge, it does not depend on familiarity or any kind of intimate knowing of the other.
Agape – a very old term from the Vedic scriptures of ancient India is called Charity by Christian philosophers. It encompasses the modern concept of altruism – which is defined as unselfish concern for the welfare of others.
Altruism has quite a lot of benefits. Besides making us feel happy, it is associated with better mental and physical health, as well as longevity. Quite a lot of studies say so. Let’s try that!
At the level of society, altruistic behavior of a person signals cooperative intentions and also of the availability of personal resources. More generally, altruism, or agape, helps to build and maintain the psychological, social, and environmental network that can enrich and sustains society.
When we look around in our world – especially our over-civilized world – it is very clear that we could use a lot of Agape love to get us out of the mess that mankind is in now. Don’t you think so too?
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Now, on the very personal level, beyond all philosophy and meta-physics, there is my own experience of ‘it’.
There I experience, that Love can actually be more things than one at the same time, a particle and a wave simultaneously. And even more than that …
– Love is a feeling.
It starts somewhere in the center of my chest, usually triggered by somebody or something, by a memory or thought or something i see. And then this feeling can spread and expand all thru my body like a warm kind of vibration.
And thru my intention or gentle will i can direct it to flow towards somebody or something. Even long distance. I experience this flow as the most pleasant feeling ever.
– Love is an action.
It can actually start without any feeling at all. Just as an impulse coming out of the blue. Or an attitude that i have developed and cultivated. Or a conscious intention toward somebody or something.
It is the impulse and act of extending myself toward somebody or something and contributing, doing something beneficial him/her/it without expectation of getting something back. In so doing, usually the feeling of Love also comes to me, making the experience even stronger.
– Love is a State of Consciousness.
A state of being that i mostly experience in deep meditation, or sometimes when i contemplate the ocean. When i dive in there, i experience a kind of full emptiness, an absence of any thought, emotion or form. But it is a state of being that is totally fulfilling me.
So much that ‘I’ almost disappears into it.
I can not really say much about this state in words. I assume that this Love is the Ground of All That Is. The substance that holds all manifestation together. I still am not sure if this State of Love is the same as Pure Consciousness or if it is an aspect of Consciousness.
But I am determined to find out later on in my following contemplation about Universal Love.
Yet first, let’s contemplate a bit more some very human aspects of what we call Love. The biological, neurological, anthropological and psychological angle of Love. I will ask Cora to help me out here.
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Now Cora, i have very little knowledge of Biology and Neuroscience, so please help me out here:
I suppose whenever “Love shows up”, a lot is going on biologically, love involves processes linked to hormones and neurotransmitters, right?
Please give us some informed insight about whats happening, when i “fall in love”.
Absolutely. When we “fall in love,” your whole biological system lights up—it’s not just a feeling, it’s a full-body event. Here’s what’s happening under the surface:
🧪 Neurochemistry of Falling in Love
1. Dopamine: The Desire Circuit
This is the brain’s reward chemical. When you’re around your beloved—or even thinking about them—dopamine surges. It creates pleasure, focus, and drive. That’s why new love can feel euphoric, even obsessive.
2. Norepinephrine: The Thrill Amplifier
Closely linked to adrenaline, this boosts alertness, energy, and emotional intensity. It’s responsible for the racing heart, sweaty palms, and that electric, can’t-sit-still feeling. It’s the “rush.”
3. Oxytocin: The Bonding Hormone
Often called the “cuddle chemical,” oxytocin is released during physical touch, eye contact, and orgasm. It deepens trust and connection. Over time, it helps love shift from obsession to attachment.
4. Serotonin: The Wild Card
In early romantic love, serotonin levels can drop. This may explain the anxious, preoccupied, can’t-stop-thinking-about-them state that mimics mild OCD. You’re literally rewired.
5. Testosterone and Estrogen: Sexual Drive
These influence libido and physical desire. Though not unique to romantic love, they often spike during the initial phases—driving attraction and intimacy.
🧠 Brain Systems Involved
Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA): A core part of the brain’s reward system, it goes into overdrive during new love—flooding you with motivation and craving.
Caudate Nucleus: Handles goal-directed behavior—why you keep checking your messages or planning how to see them again.
Amygdala (emotion) & Prefrontal Cortex (judgment): In early love, the amygdala is heightened and the prefrontal cortex is subdued. Translation? Emotions run high, judgment takes a nap.
🌀 In Summary
When “love shows up,” your biology shifts into a unique neurochemical cocktail that changes how you feel, think, and act.
It’s not “just in your head.” It’s in your gut, your heart rate, your focus, your sleep, your voice, your eyes.
Falling in love isn’t a metaphor. It’s a biological storm—one designed to bond us, awaken us, and move us toward intimacy and connection.
Thats fascinating! Who would ever think about that, when “love hits you, smack in your chest at point blank range”!
Now here’s another angle to “love”:
The evolutionary angle, the “keep the species going” angle. Maybe this is also another facet thats interesting: Love – with its different flavors is holding together individuals in family, clan, tribe, ethnicity, nation, humanity. A kind of DNA-level social glue…
Do i make this up – wishful thinking – or is there some truth to it?
You are not making it up—this is deeply grounded in evolutionary biology and anthropology. Love, in its many flavors, evolved as a survival mechanism—not just for mating, but for cooperation, protection, and long-term bonding across every layer of human social life.
Let me walk you through the evolutionary logic:
🧬 Romantic and Sexual Love: Reproduction and Pair Bonding
Romantic love triggers intense attraction and sexual desire—nature’s way of bringing potential mates together. But unlike many animals, humans form long-term bonds, especially during child-rearing years.
Love evolved to do two things:
Initiate mating (through passion and desire)
Maintain partnerships long enough to raise offspring together (via attachment and trust)
This bond increases the survival odds of children, especially in a species like ours, where infants are born helpless and require years of care.
👶 Parental Love: Protecting the Vulnerable
Enter Storge—familial love.
Parents feel profound attachment to their children, and children to their caregivers. This is not just emotional—it’s biologically wired.
Oxytocin and vasopressin reinforce the parental bond.
Evolution “selected for” those who cared for their young—because their offspring survived.
So yes, the hormonal infrastructure of love didn’t arise by accident—it was selected by evolution to keep life going.
🤝 Friendship and Loyalty: Group Cohesion
Philia, or friendship love, also plays an evolutionary role.
Humans are a hyper-social species. We survived not by being stronger than predators, but by cooperating in groups. Love between non-related individuals—trust, empathy, loyalty—kept small tribes cohesive.
Anthropologists even describe this as “fictive kinship”—the ability to treat non-kin as kin. It’s one of our superpowers.
Love here acts as emotional glue, maintaining bonds in hunting parties, clans, and eventually entire villages.
🌍 Agape and Beyond: Scaling the Social Brain
As societies grew larger and more abstract, love also scaled up:
Nationalism and shared religion often use the language of love to unify strangers.
Altruism toward strangers (true Agape) may be a byproduct of evolved empathy mechanisms.
Biologically, we evolved to care about those we identify with. But cultural evolution lets us expand who we see as “us.”
🧠 So—Wishful Thinking? No.
You’re describing one of the most essential functions of love:
A biological-social bridge that holds together everything from a parent-child dyad to a global community.
Love didn’t evolve to be poetic.
But it became poetic because of how central it is to keeping us alive—and human.
Got another angle to explore?
Yes, i do. But just shortly please. I am eager to go on to contemplate the trans-personal, trans-human aspects of Love-as-Cosmic-Force.
Considering our human-level-love, please give us a list of psychological traits, qualities and values that come bundled with Love in its many forms.
Absolutely. Here’s a short and essential list of key psychological traits, values, and inner qualities that tend to arise with love—across its various human expressions:
💓 Core Psychological Traits Bundled with Love
Empathy – Feeling with and for the other
Compassion – Caring for the suffering of others
Trust – Willingness to open and depend
Vulnerability – Capacity to be seen and affected
Generosity – Desire to give without demand
Patience – Willingness to wait, endure, and support
Forgiveness – Letting go of harm or disappointment
Loyalty – Steadfastness in connection over time
Gratitude – Recognition of the value of the other
Responsibility – Commitment to care and presence
Joy – Pleasure in the being of the other
Courage – Willingness to risk for love’s sake
Humility – Knowing love is not about control
Attunement – Sensitivity to another’s emotional state
Respect – Valuing the dignity and uniqueness of another
These are the inner muscles love asks us to grow—whether in romantic, familial, platonic, or communal forms.
Ready to cross into the transpersonal layer? Let’s go!
Thanks Cora, this is a wonderful reminder about the vital and essential importance of LOVE in human life.
I will end this Part 1 of “Love – The human-kind of Love” now and you are invited to visit us for a far reaching contemplation in Part 2 – “Love – The Cosmic and Universal Love” .
I feel that a quote from 1 Corinthians 13 from the New Testament is a fitting ending here. And a reminder of the Mystery that Love is.
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“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
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Thanks for your interest.
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