The different shades of loneliness on the spiritual path
social lonely-ness
existential alone-ness
all-one-ness
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“The ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love.”
Erich Fromm – The Art of Loving – 1956
“My name Isobel
Married to myself
My love Isobel
Living by herself”
Björk – from the album Post -1995
“En soledad vivia,
y en soledad ha puesto ya su nido,
y en soledad la guía
a solas su querido,
también en soledad de amor herido.”
“… and in solitude her dear one alone guides her …”
The Spiritual Canticle by St. John of the Cross – 1577
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Recently, I have been sitting by the beach with a dear friend of mine, watching the sun set.
As the light faded away, we spoke about the feelings of loneliness that one can have, the phases of aloneness that almost inevitably happen, when one is going through times of spiritual growth on the path of becoming one with oneself.
Understanding Loneliness on the Spiritual Path
In New-Age circles the spiritual path is often presented and even marketed as a journey toward “oneness,” “connection,” and “more bliss.”
While those aspects certainly exist, the road leading there often winds through a landscape that may feel unexpectedly barren, like you would lose the things you had before.
If you have done the hard work of personal healing, integrated your shadow, and advanced in your awareness, you may have found yourself standing in a strange kind of silence.
I call that the paradox of inner growth: the more you “wake up,” the lonelier you may feel for a while.
In transpersonal psychology – that’s the study of the spiritual and transcendent aspects of the human experience – this is not seen as a failure of the spiritual practice or a mistake you made along the way.
Rather than that, it is viewed as a significant milestone of your inner evolution.
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The two faces of spiritual solitude – Social loneliness versus Existential aloneness
I find it very helpful to take a close look and distinguish between the two very different types of “aloneness.”
Social Loneliness – breaking free from your known circle of friends
Social loneliness is the feeling we may get when our social network all of a sudden becomes somehow lacking, either in quantity or quality.
As we heal and develop a more essential focus on life, we may no longer find joy in “fun”, gossip, superficial small talk, or bonding over trauma.
Our old “tribe” has not changed, but our internal vibration has, creating a literal gap in our social world. You don’t “fit in” anymore. Or your known social environment does not fit you anymore.
But your new – more appropriate – friends have not shown up yet. And maybe you start to doubt if they ever will?
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Existential Aloneness – Crossing the Sacred Threshold
Existential aloneness is entirely different. It is the profound realization that we are – in a fundamental sense – “one” and “alone.”
Al-one.
This is the stark, sometimes terrifying existential awareness that no one else can live your life, breathe your breath, or experience your death with you.
Or make whole your Self for you if you feel incomplete. No other being can truly fill the void in your heart.
In transpersonal terms, existential aloneness is the soul wound we all carry from incarnation to incarnation. The separation from the oneness of Source or God.
It is the recognition of our uniqueness and distinctness and individuality.
And at the same time it is a calling to go on the quest for Oneness.
The teachings of transpersonal psychology like Psychosynthesis suggest, that this aloneness is actually a doorway into a wider dimension of existence.
By fully accepting that you are “alone” in your unique calling and existence, you paradoxically find yourself “at one” with all of life.
You stop looking for others to complete you and start meeting them as one whole being tmeeting another one.
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Why the “Dark Night of the Soul” Feels So Lonely
Many who advance significantly on the spiritual path may at some point experience what the mystic St. John of the Cross called the “Dark Night of the Soul.”
In modern transpersonal psychology, we might call this “spiritual emergence” or a “de-structuring of the ego.”
As you integrate your past traumas and shed old survival mechanisms, the “mask” you once wore to fit in begins to crumble. This is a painful process because the ego thrives on belonging through sameness.
When you stop being “the same” as everyone else, the ego panics, interpreting your growth as abandonment or isolation.
We might not understand what’s going on and may interpret it as a bad thing, but deep inside we may feel that this is the sign of transformation.
Going from caterpillar to butterfly, you pass through the cocoon state.
Better become comfortable in your cocoon; don’t fight it!
Even if it’s hard for a while.
As you become more sensitive and integrated, you may feel the “actual disconnectedness of the world” more acutely.
You are not just feeling your own loneliness. You are also feeling the collective isolation of our society that has largely forgotten its own soul. Everybody is an island trying to establish transactional connections with other islands.
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Alone-ness as the Bridge to a deeper belonging
If you are currently experiencing this kind of inner solitude that I am talking about here, be confident and trust that it is a sign of your deepening spiritual growth and the widening capacity of your soul.
While it may sometimes look like a depression or isolation, spiritual loneliness always carries in it a yearning or a quest rather than just a flat hopelessness. You know that there is a bigger life waiting on the other end of the loneliness.
Spiritual solitude is a kind of clearing, some big house-cleaning. You are being emptied of belongings that may have defined you in the past but that don’t fit you anymore.
To make room for your “true belonging,” for being seen for who you actually are.
In my experience, this period is an initiation.
It asks you to become your own primary companion.
Like Björk has put it: “Married to yourself.”
The goal is not to fix the loneliness or distract yourself from it, but to stay with it until the aloneness is no longer barren but full with all there is – call it God, wholeness or whatever – all-one-ness.
Like a night-sky full of stars.
