The psyche, the mind, the self, the soul, the “I” …
What’s actually the ego?
And how to un-ego the ego without loosing your self?
I know, I know, it can be confusing! For our everyday chatter and banter it may not really matter to be precise with the meaning of those words, but when it comes to personal development and especially when we talk about spiritual growth, then I am sure that it is paramount we have an idea what we are talking about.
So i will try to be more specific and bring those terms somehow into a reasonable context. Don’t want to do that sounding like a scholar or create rigid definitions. Rather than that i will do my best to paint a soft focus picture of it all, a view that makes coherent sense to me. And i hope to you as well 🙃🙂
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The Psyche
I find it fascinating that the word “Psyche” comes from Greek Mythology. I like the deep symbolism of the story. The woman Psyche – born a mortal human – marries Eros, the god of love. First their union is great and joyful but soon it becomes filled with secrecy, betrayal, abandonment. After much drama, eventually Eros and Psyche re-unite and now she is deemed worthy to become a immortal. The supreme god Zeus then gives her the name “Goddess of the Soul”
The Psyche is studied and explored in psychology and psychotherapy. And sometimes “healed” from its traumas and distortions and quirks.
Nowadays the term Psyche refers to the sum of all forces in an individual that influence thought, behavior and personality. All “inner” processes that are influenced by conscious as well as subconscious and unconscious forces. Impulses coming from the personal, collective and archetypical unconscious I consider The Psyche.
Also some physiological changes of body, glands and especially our brain can have significant impact on our psyche. Most interesting i find the effect of certain psychotropic substances and psychedelic drugs on the psychologic makeup of our psyche.
Sigmund Freud, C.G. Jung and Roberto Assagioli explored all those levels of the psyche and we owe them a lot for their efforts. More advanced approaches of Transpersonal Psychology and Integral Theory integrate even deeper levels of influences that shape our psyche.
Obviously, psyche-ology is a fascinating area of study that will allow us to understand “what makes us tick”, what makes us behave how we behave, what makes us feel and think how we think and what goes thru our mind every day.
The Mind
Our mind can be “thought about” as a set of abilities and faculties, mostly cognitive, mental aspects such as conscious perception, thinking, language, memory, rationality, discernment, intelligence, reason, judgement, logic, abstraction, ideas, philosophy, self-awareness and so on.
Mind is what enables us to have a subjective awareness of the world around us and to have intentions and conscious choice and free will to act in this world. To perceive stimuli, interpret them in an individualized way and respond with agency. Mind is also a function of the brain and is a potential that can be developed and refined in the span of a lifetime thru education and self-directed development.
For me it is obvious that the mind is not limited to the physical brain but lives in the wider Mental Sphere of Existence. Even for a while after the body had died.
The Person / the Individual / The Personality
This describes the typical attributes of a being that makes her/him/them recognizable and distinctly different from the rest. The stronger and more developed the person is, the clearer he/she will live out his/her individuality, her/his needs, goals, actions and responsibilities in the world. A strong person also defines him/her-self clearly in the context of a group and in wider society.
Persona
The word coming from ancient Greek and literally means “mask”, something a actor puts on in theater. In our everyday life we may choose to wear a persona to make ourself appear more socially acceptable or desirable. We may use it to impress potential partners or make new friends.
People can have multiple personas that they use in various situations, for example at work, with friends, intimate partners, in the bar, on social media … Persona describes the public image or social role that we project to other people.
On Facebook, Instagram and social networks people go to great length to create a perfect persona, that in actuality can be quite different from the real self of the person. In my opinion, that has a very unhealthy influence on the development of young people’s character and integrity.
Persona can also be called The False Self, Idealized Self, Superficial Self. It usually is a defensive facade that leaves the person inside feeling isolated and empty, just giving the appearance of being real.
The Authentic Self / Original Self
I use those – rather hard to define terms to describe the sense of self that we experience when we are spontaneous and authentic, when we act from the feeling of being fully alive. I see that in the highest extent manifest in young children, most obvious in 2 – 4 year olds, who were allowed to grow up in loving families, in natural environments.
And also sometimes in mature adults who developed a hight level of integrity, meaning their inner life and outer life are in congruence. They are spontaneous and direct, transparent and empathic. They talk what they think and they walk their talk. People like The Dalai Lama.
The Higher Self
I use this term Higher Self as a synonym for Soul, which for me is my “true identity”. It includes and transcends all the “lower” aspects of my Self.
Like a Russian Babushka doll, kind-of.
Soul
Soul is the “vehicle of continuity” thru my incarnations into various lifetimes, diverse bodies and personalities and at the same time Soul is my real identity as a Spark of God / Goddess / All That Is.
In Sanskrit is called the jiva-atman. You may read more about that soul-stuff in this recent article > The workings of the Soul / The Soul and her Context
The “I”
For me this is the most interesting “aspect” of my experience of myself. Truly mysterious and impossible to define. I experienced the awareness of “I” as the center of it all, as the Witness and Observer of everything ever since i “awoke” to self-awareness / consciousness.
The center of every experience ever since that time has been this central undefinable “I”, ever awake, ever present and ever unchanging. Everything in my life has changed dramatically, repeatedly many times over, but the “I of me” neither changed nor grew and nor developed nor even blinked.
The Buddhists claim that at the center of the wheel of Dharma is The Full Emptiness. Christianity says there is The Christ Consciousness, Unconditional Love and Truth. The Vedas of the Old India say that it is Brahma who you find when you peel away all your layers of Self like an onion.
The question “Who am I” – the meditation suggested by Ramana Maharshi – may do the peeling of your layers, if you just could do the questioning honestly and deeply enough …
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Now, what is The Ego, actually?
This is the “tricky part” of my enquiry and I will try to contemplate “it” in more detail from various angles and with great care to avoid sounding as if I would already know it all. I do not!
The Ego
Usually when we talk about someone’s ego, we mean the negative aspects of somebody’s personality. I rather use Ego to indicate my or somebody’s Center of Identification. Lets call it Ego Identification, the parts of ourself that we identify ourselves with at a certain time of our life.
This can be a “Worldly Ego” that is easy to spot in certain politicians and such. People identified with power, influence etc. Or the “Social Ego” of Youtube Celebrities, identified with fame, material goods and so on.
It can also be the so called “Spiritual Ego”, where we may identify with our spiritual development and accomplishments, or our picture of ourself as being a enlightened teacher or guru.
I want to say, the Ego is not necessarily bad in itself. It can take on many forms and colors and disguises like a chameleon, but at the core it is always the same identification with some part of our self and the crystallization of that specific aspect of ourself. The stronger this identification is, the more it becomes a role and rigid and not really alive anymore.
– Strong Egos don’t want to change and don’t want to be challenged.
– They don’t want to look themselves in the mirror voluntarily.
– Usually life comes in and the blows of dramatic events crash the rigid shell.
– This can happen the hard way in real life or in a gentler version in a good therapy.
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Growing a Healthy Ego
From Childhood Foundations to Ego Transcendence.
I think especially in spiritual circles many people are rather negatively biased against the word, they hear about “ego” and think of pride or selfishness. But in psychology, the ego is simply our sense of self – the center of identity that helps us navigate reality. A healthy ego isn’t about having a stubborn mind. It’s about having a solid, realistic sense of who we are.
As every parent and teacher can tell, developing this healthy ego is one of the great and challenging tasks of childhood and early adulthood. It provides the foundation for becoming a mature, response-able adult, someone able to respond to life with authenticity, self-reflection, and ethical agency.
Paradoxically, only when this ego is strong and secure can we gracefully transcend it, opening to a more soul-centric or transpersonal sense of identity later in life.
I’ll try now to journey through the stages of ego growth as understood in Developmental Psychology – mainly Jane Loevinger’s stages of ego development and Erik Erikson’s psychosocial stages.
We’ll see how a child’s ego forms, how it matures in youth, and how it can eventually flower into wisdom – and maybe even move beyond itself. Throughout this journey, the focus is on cultivating a healthy ego that serves as an ally in our personal development, rather than a hinderance for spiritual growth.
Childhood:
The Seed of Self
At birth, there is no ego. Just sensation and need. Our first experiences – trust vs. mistrust – sets the tone. A baby who feels held, fed, and loved begins to trust the world, forming the roots of a secure self. Those formative experiences give way to the impulsive and self-protective phases in early childhood where the child starts to assert autonomy (“No!” “Mine!”), grasp consequences, and test boundaries.
By school age, the ego becomes more socially aware. The conformist stage emerges, marked by rule-following and peer identification. In my work in Waldorf Kindergarten and later in school I could clearly see this striving for competence and approval. Children learn: “I belong if I behave.” A healthy ego here is one that feels safe, competent, and increasingly able to reflect on its actions—not just react to them.
Adolescence:
Identity and Reflection
Adolescence is the severe trial for the ego. Identity versus the confusion about roles defines this stage: teens question inherited roles and try on new identities. A stage of self-awareness often emerges here, as young people begin to reflect on who they are beneath the masks.
A healthy adolescent ego balances two needs: to belong, and to be authentic. It wrestles with ideals, experiments with beliefs, and stumbles into self-awareness. When supported in the best ways, this stage culminates in a sense of internal coherence and fidelity. “I am this person, and I stand for something.” Without it, the ego fragments, conforming outwardly while remaining lost inside.
Unfortunately, most mainstream schools and the whole system of society is not often empathic and skillful to support teenagers thru this difficult transition into adulthood.
Early Adulthood:
From Identity to Integrity
The next phase is intimacy vs. isolation. “Can I join my life with another without losing myself?” Only a stable ego can love fully, it allows difference without collapse.
The wish to do things right – conscientiousness – reflects this growth: a person begins to live from internal values, not just external rules. They take responsibility. They reflect on their own motives. They act with empathy and intention.
I have seen this surprising transformation in a couple of “problem kids” when they stepped into early adulthood.
This stage is the beginning of true adulthood. The ego is no longer a fragile construct to be defended but a a resilient vessel, flexible and ethical. It enables response-ability: a capacity to respond, rather than merely react. This is the ground from which love, vocation, and creativity can flourish.
If that sounds all too ideal to your ears, I admit that I am simply talking about the best possible outcome of a kid’s personal development.
Toward Wholeness:
Generativity and Transcendence
In midlife, according to Erikson, generativity vs. stagnation becomes central. A well-formed ego naturally seeks to contribute, to guide, to give back, to create something beyond itself. The ego opens to complexity, contradiction, and compassion. It no longer needs to be the center. It begins to serve something larger.
Eventually, ego integrity emerges. An elder with a healthy ego doesn’t deny failure, they integrate it. Life is accepted in full, and with it comes a quiet wisdom. Erikson described this as the capacity to face death without despair: not because one won, but because one lived truly.
Beyond Ego:
Soul at the Center
Once strong and secure, the ego can soften. Transcendence doesn’t mean erasing the ego, it means placing it in service to something deeper. Identity expands. Life is no longer about achievement or image, but about presence, meaning, love. One begins to sense: I am not just this self. I am part of something wider.
This shift is the fruit of maturity. A healthy ego becomes the vessel through which soul moves in the world. It is the ground from which humility, compassion, and real spiritual life can emerge.
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The Limits of a Healthy Ego
Even the most well-adjusted, altruistic ego has built-in limits when it comes to higher consciousness. By its very nature, the ego sees itself as separate – it’s the part of us that says “I” and distinguishes itself from everything else.
This sense of being a separate self provides stability and identity, which is important in early life, but it also creates a boundary that blocks direct perception of the transcendent reality beyond the personal self. A healthy ego can carry us through the world and reflect higher values, but it remains a partial view of Reality, of All That Is.
It cannot, on its own, grasp the wholeness of our true nature or the unity of consciousness that spiritual seekers intuitively yearn for. A teacher once said to me that our ego – no matter how positive – is only a small part of what we really are, not our deepest identity. Stopping at this level means settling for the visible surface of the iceberg, when a much greater expanse lies just underneath the waterline.
The Ego’s Shadow and Subtle Distortions
A well-developed ego may be benevolent and confident, yet every ego casts a shadow. In Jungian terms, the “shadow” is the hidden side of ourselves – qualities we ignore, repress, or deny.
Over time, even a positive self-image can be subtly distorted by these unseen forces. For example, pride in one’s spiritual progress or good works can quietly turn into self-righteousness or a sense of superiority – sometimes called a spiritual ego.
If we cling to a purely “good” identity and push away our darker impulses, we risk those very impulses resurfacing in disguise. In fact, many religious and spiritual leaders and gurus who claimed to have eliminated their ego have merely pushed it underground with sometimes tragic results when the repressed shadow breaks out.
Unacknowledged desires and fears can sabotage our noblest intentions, leading to hypocrisy or harm even as we strive to do good. The lesson is that no one is immune to the ego’s pitfalls, no matter how enlightened they believe themselves to be.
Recognizing our shadow with honesty and compassion keeps the ego in check and prevents the subtle slide into negativity. Instead of demonizing the ego or pretending it’s gone, we befriend it and shine light on its blind spots. This humility safeguards our growth on the spiritual path.
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The Inner Calling to Transcend Ego
There comes a spiritual crisis point when the sincere seekers, when we realize that we must go beyond even the best version of our ego. It’s the moment when maintaining a separate “I” starts to feel too limiting, too restrictive.
Different wisdom traditions describe this call in their own way. In Integral Theory, for instance, the healthy ego is not an endpoint but a platform for transformation – we first develop an ego, then learn to transcend – and include – it as we move into higher stages of awareness .
In Buddhism, clinging to any fixed self – however virtuous – is seen as a source of suffering, because it keeps us stuck in a limited bubble of identity. We may retreat into the ego’s false sense of safety out of fear, but ironically this only attracts more suffering.
Freedom comes from releasing that tight grip on “me” and discovering the “spacious no-self” / anatta beyond it.
In a similar way, A Course in Miracles teaches that only love is real, and that the ego’s perceptions of separation are illusions to be gently undone. As we shift from the ego’s fearful outlook to a higher vision guided by love, an expanded sense of self begins to dawn.
This doesn’t mean the practical personality disappears; rather, it means we stop identifying entirely with that small self and open to a greater Self or higher consciousness that embraces all.
When the call to go beyond ego arises, it is both challenging and profoundly liberating. We surrender the illusion of control and separateness, and in doing so, make room for a direct experience of unity, peace, and connection with the divine or the true nature of reality.
Ultimately, transcending a well-crafted ego is not a loss at all: it is a homecoming to something far more authentic, whole, and boundless than our ego could ever achieve on its own. Because many of the qualities of the healthy ego are actually characteristics of Soul.
The spiritual process of Transcending simply shifted our identity center into a higher altitude of consciousness.
Now it is not anymore:
I am a person and I have a soul.
Now it is:
I am a Soul
and I have a personality t
o navigate the world.
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I am very much aware that conscious and integral ego-transcendence is “a road less traveled” and a completely unique journey. A “rite de passage” guided by the intelligence and timing of the Higher Self / Soul.
A tremendous amount of faith and surrender is needed, trust, diligence, wisdom and gentleness, courage and humility, meditation and prayer.
This paradox of self-transcending has been talked about by mystics of all religious and spiritual traditions and can be found in specific rarely read books. But in my view there are also no real tried-and-true methods to jump this quantum leap.
I will try to highlight just two approaches that in my eyes can be a great help at this point in one’s spiritual development. One is old and from The East and the other one contemporary and from The West.
May this bring a balance into my contemplation of The Ego and its Transcendence.
